We the people of London regard these truths as self-evident. Health, human rights, and the openness of our society to free movement in and economic and cultural cooperation with European Union. We hereby secede with the remaining regions of Britain after Scotland's and Wales' secessions in 2018. We no longer wish to be affiliated with Districts 1-5 or 6-12 or their leaders Governors Gove and Farage of Farageistan, and their acts of mutual enmity and aggression since the Winter of Discontent Riots of Black Friday 2018.
Now that order has been restored within our North Circular and South Circular borders and Barnet, Enfield and Milton Keynes have been officially added as a Royal Boroughs, we can announce our new charter of laws and trade agreements with the Gove and Farage Districts.
1. We hereby reinstitute the European Comission of Human Rights as a sovereign body.
2. The Monarchy has been disestablished and all property and Mint used to finance scientific research and the new Committee for Social Equality.
3. We will reapply for EU membership as a city State, offering free movement and workers rights to EU citizens.
4. A 50% tax will be levied on any subjects/minions from the Gove and Farage districts wishing to enter our borders to view West End theatre or London football matches.
5. Any football fans will be electronically tagged on entry to our City State and deported without warning if they display misogynistic, racist or homophobic behaviour. The England football kit will be designed by Jean-Paul Gaultier.
6. The Queen will be allowed to remain on condition she attends the Notting Hill Carnival and Gay Pride events dressed in the "Queenie" outfit voted by our LGBTI select committee.
7. Our new currency is to be called "The Mint" and will be floated on the stock market with immediate effect.
8. All London shops must offer Mint card services and stop putting ridiculous minimum spend amounts on scraps of paper near the till.
9. A new tax on City of London banks will be collected to finance free TfL transportation for all, and proper Amsterdam-style bike lanes. Cars are now banned (except for the over 70s and mums with 3 or more kids, who will be given free electric vehicles) and the tramways will be rebuilt. Car owners have 6 months to sell their cars or they will be repossessed.
10. All policies including drugs, crime and safety will be based in science and reason.
11. All churches will have to pay the same tax as everyone one else. You are free to believe what you want but don't foist it on the rest of us. And Christmas is a cultural, not a religious holiday (as are Eid and Passover).
12. Religious school selection is now illegal. Any schools selecting or excluding children on religious grounds will be fined or closed.
13. Our NHS is and will remain free.
14. Our Ofsted is made up of committees of teachers selected for their understanding of classroom practice.
15. Our food banks and disability benefits are free and can be extended to visitors from the Districts provided they extend the same generosity to other District subjects regardless of creed or colour.
16. Our universities are fully-funded and tuition fees are abolished. Candidates from the Districts must pay 10,000mints in tuition fees per year, except for except for Oxford and Cambridge which now have London-annex status, provided they withdraw ridiculous religious privileges in their colleges.
17. Visiting distinguished scholars, intellectuals and academics from around the world are given free meals, board and free speech. But not those from the Districts.
18. Should Governors Gove,
Farage, the rest of the Royal Family or the Pope wish to visit, they must first kiss the new London Rainbow Flag, and pay a visit to the museum of LGBTI history to acknowledge their bad behaviour during the Winter of Discontent riots. Their apologies will be welcome.
19. Prince Philip is not welcome.
20. Since we hold most of your assets in our City is London banks, we will now use these to provide housing loans and council services for our own residents.
21. If you don't like our laws, take it up with MI6 (our new police force to replace the Met).